Heal any relationship

““Evey Hammond: Who are you?

V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.

Evey Hammond: Well, I can see that.

V: Of course you can. I’m not questioning your powers of observation, I’m merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is”

― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta”

One of the reasons many people arrive on my doorstep is a personal or business relationship that is in conflict or is quickly heading down that path.

When people become triggered, it's like striking a match; it flames up hot in an instant and can be hard to extinguish before someone gets burned or thrown away because they have been used up.

And this turns into a pattern and a dance that can go on forever if left unchecked. It almost always ends up in exhaustion and despair and causes good people to leave places, where they could really be doing great things.

Over time, it sucks so much creativity and life out of people and can turn ordinary moments into a battlefield. It seems true that the most challenging relationships are often with the people closest to us at work and play.

So here is something I'd like you to offer as a meditation on relationships and then I'll provide you with a new way of looking at conflict and working to resolve it.

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The Empathy Vaccine

If for a day you could become the person you are having a difficult relationship with, how do you imagine it might change your relationship?

If for a day you could walk in their shoes...

• If you could hear what they hear

• If you could see what they see

• If you could feel what they feel

• If you could know what they know

• Would you treat them any differently than you do now?

Would you invest as much energy trying to win every conversation or convince every person about "your way?"

Empathy is something we choose to carry with us like our smartphones. Most people would not leave the house or office without their phone, yet they don't carry a more effective communication tool with them: Empathy

Empathy is about discovering the echoes of another person inside yourself.

Don't forget to answer the empathy calls as often as you answer your phone calls.

We all have hidden stories and traumas that others know nothing about, things that remain hidden in plain sight.

We all have cracks in our facade that we plaster and paint over with a mask, and for many of us, we have been wearing a mask most of our adult life.

I believe empathy is a wonderful antidote for richer, more peaceful communication, and it allows people to begin the process of removing one or more of the masks they wear. Empathy sets you free from needing to be right, and turns you into someone others can trust.

The truth is, most of us want to take our masks off, but we are too afraid.

Working with a difficult relationships

There are many ways to work with relationships that are causing problems for you and there is no one size fits all solution, but here is a good technique for shifting perspective.

Begin to look at the patterns instead of the person.

When thinking about relationship problems, it’s easy to think in terms of people; specifically who is right, who is wrong, who is screwed up and who is the jerk.

And my bold assumption is it is never you.

Ok, fair enough.

This may make YOU feel better for a few minutes, but it isn’t a helpful strategy and leads to the classic blame game vortex. 

So try this instead. 

Instead of people, try thinking about energy patterns.

Sally does something, and this triggers Bobby, who acts out in some way which triggers Sally, and then Sally says something to push Bobby's buttons, and so Bobby gives Sally the silent treatment, which causes Sally to explode with her belief that Bobby always shuts down -- and on and on it goes. Where it stops, nobody knows.

Some patterns are helpful and keep us on track, others are neutral and don't make a big difference either way, and some are destructive and cause havoc over time.

The Mantra I work with is:

The pattern is more powerful than the person. 

(Try sitting in someone else's favourite seat in front of the TV tonight and see what happens or dip into the fridge and take their favourite beverage and drink it)

Instead of wasting time and energy worrying about who is right, and trying to win the war only to lose the battle, try and discover the dysfunctional energy pattern.

Once you do, change it up. 

A good way is to talk about the pattern rather than the person: I'll use a typical example here that most of us can relate to.

I notice that a lot of times when I ask if you would do your dishes you say you will, and then the next morning they're not done and I get annoyed and nag, and then you get really pissed off and call me a nag. I'm curious if we can do this in a new way because I don't want to nag you and I know you don't want to be bugged all the time. How could we make this work for both of us?

And even if you can't do it because the other person doesn't want to play, just make a small tweak and let the other person know your intentions

"I'm doing this because if I don't, then this tends to happen and so I want to avoid that by ___________. (You get the idea)

You share the strategy even if they won't listen or take part.

The beauty of noticing patterns of energy is that - if you have a firm resolve in your mind to change a pattern, the pattern has to change over time. 

Your job is then to become the agent for change in the relationship and end the war in your own heart and mind first. This is a good first step.

You stop making the other person the problem.

What would it be worth to your health and happiness to transform a relationship in your life that is troubling you? 

What would it be worth to you to turn an enemy into an ally?

David Frank Gomes unravels the dilemmas of relationships, working at the intersection where hope crashes into reality.